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Enjoy our article below on do it yourself divorce to help you learn about your divorce and plan accordingly.
The Quest For Intimacy And Passion
By Kenneth A. Sprang and Carol Sprang, MA, RNC, LCPC, Sat Dec 10th
As you may know, the rate continues to hover aroundfifty percent, where it has been now for some time. If half ofmarriages end in today, it is likely that many ofyou-like me-are ACD's-Adult Children of Divorce. How has ourparents' affected us and our own quest for love andhappiness? My parents were divorced when I was three. Fromchildhood I vowed not to be one of the fifty percent-I was goingto succeed where they had "failed." Yet, I too, became astatistic when my first marriage of 25 years came to an end,despite valiant attempts by my first wife and me to save it. Sonow my adult children, too, have joined the ranks of ACD's. Muchhas been written about the effect of on children.However, very little research has been done on the impact ofdivorce on adults and the challenges of ACD's in general. Arecent study at the University of New Orleans sheds some of thelong awaited light. Among the findings of the study, is that forACD's intimacy, trust, commitment, loyalty and passion are morecomplex issues than for children of intact families. Forexample, many of us crave the intimacy, yet female ACD's tend toexperience more relationship conflict and to have an increasednumber of sexual partners than those from intact families,though the same is not true for men. There is some suggestionthat in our quest for the intimacy we may confuse casual sexualrelationships with emotional intimacy. We also have a tendencyto get into relationships or marriage at a young age or to seekto fulfill our emotional needs in relationships that are nothealthy. ACD's also demonstrate an overall lack of trust withregard to intimate relationships and marriage. Sadly, many of usexpect our marriages to fail, at least unconsciously, and we mayeven sabotage our intimate relationships because of a fear ofrejection and lack of trust. Ironically, while we long foraffection, seeking the affection which we did not see orexperience at home, we may withdraw emotionally from ourpartners, repeating a coping mechanism learned in childhood. Theoption of cohabitation and availability of as an optionalso impact our attitude toward marriage. Adult children
ofdivorce are more likely to prefer cohabitation to marriage or tosay they do not want to marry in the future. Yet we ACD's aremore likely to put ourselves in situations that promotemarriage, such as cohabitation. The most significant finding ofthe study is that ACD's are much more concerned with intimacyand loyalty as well as passion in relationships than are adultsfrom intact families. Consequently, our expectations aresometimes unrealistic. We did not see a good marriage model, sowe have created one in our imagination. The picture may belovely, but it is not necessarily realistic. On the other hand,the study found that ACD's often demonstrate residual strengthand maturity and empathy for others borne of their familydivorce experience. As Winston Churchill observed, "The fartherback you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see."Armed with that awareness and our residual strength, we canbegin to change our patterns and create a new vision, to liveour lives differently. One of the things that draws us to theuse of Imago Relationship Therapy in our counseling and coachingpractice, is that Imago allows persons in committedrelationships to heal childhood wounds, whether from orsome other source. It is a priceless tool for creating the newvision. is a terrible, painful thing. Yet I know thatsometimes it is the only available resolution to a relationshipin conflict. Perhaps with growing knowledge and understanding ofsome of the vulnerabilities that challenge us as adult childrenof divorce, we can move forward and experience healing. Perhapswe can even begin to reverse the statistic. About the author:Kenneth Sprang, MA, JD, and Carol Sprang, MA, RNC directBethesda-Chevy Chase Counseling & Consulting in Bethesda,offering Imago Relationship Therapy, relationship and executivecoaching, individual and couples coaching and counseling, andbusiness consulting services. (301) 907-3377.ken@singlestosoulmates.com. http://www.singlestosoulmates.com orhttp://www.bcccounseling.com
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