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Enjoy our article below on on line divorce to help you learn about your divorce and plan accordingly.
Marriage - Divorce - Separation - How To Handle The Split
By Jenny Clair, Fri Dec 9th
We have all most probably encountered it at some stage in ourlives - who do we stay friends with after a couple divorces orseparates? The text book answer is to stay friends with both parties ofcourse but that's a mighty tall order to fulfil as we aredealing with human emotions and judgemental attitudes here aswell. Fortunately I think that most normal friends witnessing a coupleof family splitting up can actually see both sides of the coinand actually do stay away from taking sides.
However, in the real world the divorcing couple will normallyexpect you to commit to one side or the other and this patternoften establishes itself way before the final separation ordivorce. This is due to our blame culture where we often ignoreour own responsibilities for the situation we find ourselves in- it's always someone else's fault - black & white, whenactually there will be many shades of grey that overlap and itis often not until many years later and upon a lot of reflectivethought that we suddenly realise that we were actually partly toblame for the failure of that relationship. So, how do friends handle the initial expectation from one partof the divorcing couple to now ignore their former partner? Itcan be really tough for friends of separating partners - youknow, who do you invite to the family party - him or her - canyou invite both? - what will happen if they both meet at thedaughters wedding? - god forbid but what will happen should eachone bring a new partner? - The scenarios are endless. Having experienced several friends now go through andseparation proceedings and each one has found its own set ofissues, I can say that there is no set advice or guidance in theform of a one size fits all answer. However, there are a few outline framework procedures that Iwould certainly adopt in order to ensure that your former coupleremain friends long after the or separation. Firstly - always try to balance being sympathetic andunderstanding to your main friend but without actually agreeingto any of their own conclusions regarding blame etc. - rememberyour only hearing one side of a very unbalanced perspective.This
ensures that you do not reinforce your friends biasedviewpoint and you can still remain impartial - very important.This may require exemplary diplomatic skills but if yourconscious of this fact can actually be quite challenging andrewarding - its like being tested yourself. Secondly, make it clear to your main friend that you may stillsee or respond to their former partner from time to time afterthe or separation for obvious and practical reasons.Most of our lives are intertwined these days with other stuffsuch as the sharing of the school run or business contacts forexample. It needs to be made clear by way of simple inexplicitreferences with your normal conversations that this will happen.This signals to your main friend that divided loyalties are notactually that simple to divide in the manner that they may bethinking. It also ensures that you are not accused of being a'Judas' and losing the confidence or friendship of your mainfriend when they find out that you have had contact with theirformer partner. And thirdly, never, ever say what you really thought of theirformer partner even if you think that having empathy with theirfeelings will help them over this period - Just remember that ahigh proportion of separating couples do actually end up gettingback together again & releasing a load of sympathetic venom lastmonth will stick in your reunited friends throat like barbedwire and your relationship with them both will never be the sameagain. Within these three basic guidance rules will be a whole host ofanomalies that will occur that will need careful thoughtfulplanning on what your responses will be for each individual caseof a divorcing couple. It wont be easy - it never is especiallywhen dealing with a high emotional content. But trying to frameyour responses within these three basic guidance rules shouldensure that your friendship is retained and remains flexible formost situations that may occur over the coming years. About the author:Jenny Clair is the editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com anarticle based web site exploring the human side of marriagebreakdowns, and separation situations. http://www.marriage-divorce-separation.com
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